The key to resolving a conflict is to recognize and satisfy (as best as possible) each person's highest priorities, while making concessions on the lower ones. Here's how you can do it:

Get emotions under control.
Allow each person to vent, releasing your emotions so you can move toward a solution. It helps to agree on ground rules (like no interrupting, listening as carefully as you can, and trying to see the other party's point of view) to set a tone of mutual respect and fair play.

Clarify your positions.
Try to understand the other party's perspective without making judgments or blaming. Keep your initial bargaining position reasonable and realistic, rather than asking for too much right away. If you are criticized, don't jump at the bait. Bring up the ground rules and quickly move on.

Dig deeper with "why" questions.
Find out the other person's needs--is one thing valued more than others? This will provide a basis for proposing trade-offs. For instance, if you're trying to negotiate working from home and your boss says no because it's "against company policy," inquire about the reasons for this policy. Is the company afraid of people taking advantage of more flexible rules by not working as hard or by taking long breaks? (Then you could suggest alternatives that satisfy these concerns; e.g., time sheets, offering to work extra hours for the commuting time saved, proposing a few trial days, etc.).

Generate alternatives.
Together, come up with as many potential resolutions as you can before evaluating them. Consider combinations of different suggestions. Make sure to emphasize that you also care about meeting his/her needs. Then narrow down options to a few that both parties feel comfortable discussing.

Agree on the best "win-win."
Describe the payoffs for the other person when you propose solutions. Help them feel comfortable making concessions--let go of a certain points when reasonable, and express your appreciation when you've made a gain.


Adapted from Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War by Gini Graham Scott, PhD, Amacom. Copyright © 2008 Gini Graham Scott, PhD.